The Routine
by McMannis
Summary: Sometimes sex isn't just for pleasure- isn't just between lovers. Sometimes, when you know the world's against you, you need someone who will be there regardless. Sometimes sex is for support, comfort- it becomes a routine. Quincest-don't like, don't read
1. Chapter 1: Kings And Queens

**Hey everyone- I was going to leave this story for another month or so before I posted it, but I felt like I was doing really well, and so I said SCREW SENSIBILITY and I've decided to begin it now ^-^.**

**Just a note about the names of the chapters. They are all song names, but the content of the chapter has something to do with the **_**lyrics**_** of the song, and not just the song title. Just thought I'd drop that in in case they didn't make sense to people xD**

**Anyway, please rate and review- you _don't _**_**know**_** how much I'd love to hear what you think!**** (L)**

* * *

Their mother screamed. It was easily one in the morning, but she hadn't checked in hours. Not that she cared about the time.

She had put the girls to bed as normally as she could, and tried to keep the fireworks to a minimum as her and her husband battled through their relationship with shouts and screams. They mainly screamed about _why_ they were screaming; why one had wound the other up so much that to scream was the only thing either could do. The other thing that led them into these arguments was the girls. Beautiful twin girls. Meek and mild and almost six years old. The parents fought over what would happen to their children if, at the end of the day, the adults did what was best and separated. And although they tried to keep their volume down, it would inevitably raise and turn into a full-blown riot.

What they didn't know however, was that this night (and almost every night since they'd first argued) the twins, Tegan and Sara, sat on the stairs of their old house, holding each other in their blankets, using the other one's embrace to drown out the fight. Because even though they didn't like the shouts, the girls wanted to know what was happening to make their parents so upset.

Talks about the girls would always make their mother fall to tears, and when this happened, the girls had learnt to run back to their rooms in the absence of screams- as this meant their father was about to storm out of the lounge and up to his own bed, to leave his wife to cry.

This night however, as they sat, Tegan took Sara's trembling hand in her own and squeezed. Sara leant into her sister and stared down the staircase with wide, frozen eyes. She drew in a sharp breath.

"Shh." Tegan said softly. Sara shook her head and leant forward, lifting her feet up one step higher so that her stomach rested on her thighs.

"Why aren't they yelling?" Sara asked, bringing her floppy shirt sleeve up to her nose, sniffling into it. "What's happening?"

"Nothing." Tegan lied.

"Okay," Sara said in her simple way. "Nothing."

Tegan held onto Sara tight, both wincing as a door slammed.

"You'll wake the girls!" Sonia yelled.

"Don't bring the girls into this!" Their father shouted back. "You always bring the girls into this."

"You're never home!"

Sara smashed her face into Tegan's neck. "Make it stop, make it stop." She chanted unsteadily. Tegan squeezed Sara harder, not knowing how to stop it.

She forced her eyes shut and said, "Just close your eyes, like Mum says. No more monsters."

"I hear them." Sara whispered, terrified eyes still wide.

"I have reasons for never being home, you know that." Their father said loudly and sternly. "I work long hours so that _you don't have to_."

"I raise the twins!" Sonia threw her hands up. "I do so much more than you know. If you even bothered to talk to me, or even ask what I'm doing or how I'm feeling…"

"I would," He replied icily, "If you'd stop crawling up my arse about every little thing. Jesus Christ."

"When did you stop?" Sonia snapped. Her tone had lost its anger. "When did you stop being there for me, or the girls? Or our family?"

Their father was silent. "I don't know." Sonia let out a long breath. She wasn't expecting that.

Sara curled her toes into the hard stairs and never lost her stare; her father's legs had come into view. His shoes were on. He was putting on a jacket… he had a bag.

"Where's Dad going?" Sara whispered. Tegan stared, seeing the same thing. She knew their father was leaving.

"Nowhere." Tegan said confidently. She held Sara tighter. "No one's going."

"When are you coming back this time?" Sonia asked loudly.

Their father slung his bag over his shoulder. He didn't see his children at the top of the stairs staring down at them- one sniffling, and the other glaring with burning eyes and clenched fists.

"This time I'm not coming back." He said.

"You can't just-"

"Watch me."

One more door slammed and Sara hunched over into Tegan's lap, snot and tears running down her face. "He's gone, he's gone, he's gone." Sara found another chant to aid her tears.

Tegan stroked Sara's back, hands balled up.

"Sara, Sara," Tegan said. "He's not gone."

"He is."

* * *

More than six months later the girls were well into being six, their parents divorce finalised, and Sonia was dealing with the stressful experience of being a single parent. She had decided enough was enough, and that she would not only raise two girls alone, but she would educate herself. She would prove to everyone (but especially to _him_) that she could cope with being on her own, and so she enrolled in a night class at college, and hired a cheap, but reliable, baby sitter.

Three nights a week Sonia would disappear and leave Tegan and Sara with Ellen, and reappear at around eleven. She would pay the childminder and that would be it, the girls only seeing her the next morning.

Sonia would sometimes talk about her friends to the girls. The different people she was meeting at her evening class; and one name seemed to be coming up regularly.

Bruce.

To the girls he sounded like a really good guy. Sonia had told them about how he always made her laugh, and how they would spend hours talking. This night in particular their mother looked rather dressed up.

Sonia sat down in the living room and pulled both her children to her, seating them awkwardly in her lap. She'd perfected holding both of her girls years ago, but now it seemed that Tegan had perfected holding _Sara_, and nothing was going to get in the way of that. Sonia kissed both of their foreheads and sighed, her breath blowing their hair softly. "You know," she said. "I am really glad you have each other because I'm not always going to be here."

"Where are you-"

"Nowhere." Sonia said quickly. She ran a hand down Tegan's tense forearm and gently pulled it off of Sara. Sara gave a panicked look and Sonia placed her other hand on her back. "I want you two to take care of each other, always, okay?"

"I already do." Tegan said, puffing her chest out a bit.

Sonia smiled. "I know, Tegan, and you're a wonderful older sister."

Sara bit her lip and leaned into Tegan, still trembling slightly. "It's okay for you to go with your friend, Mum. Teetee has me."

Tegan nodded firmly. "Alright." Sonia said softly. "I'm going to kiss you goodnight, and tomorrow when you wake up, there'll be waffles."

"Yummy." Sara said, smiling a little.

"The good kind?" Tegan asked.

"The best kind." Sonia replied, kissing them both and standing up. "Do I look okay?" The girls nodded enthusiastically, smiling as Ellen's knock came from the door.


	2. Chapter 2: Bliss

****

Hello comrades! This jumps dramatically into the future soon- I'm just setting the scene. =)

Tbh I hope you like the scene so far, and I hope you comment on it- I'd REALLY love if you did.

And a big thank you to all the people that have favourited, watched and reviewed the story- you don't know what it means to me! Love to hear what you think of this chapter! =D

The evening had dragged along, and the twins had sat at the top of the stairs, playing silent games and listening for any noises they could. Ellen had been in the living room all night- television on, sound off- barely making a noise all night.

"What do you think she's doing?" Tegan asked. Sara was about to answer, when she was cut off by the door opening downstairs, and the twins saw legs and feet moving around. Sara recognized her mother's heels. "There they are." Tegan said softly.

Sara nodded. They watched quietly as Sonia paid the babysitter and Bruce disappeared for a moment. "Where'd he go?" Sara murmured. Tegan shrugged. A few minutes later, Bruce returned, laughing.

"Sonia, you'll never guess what was on the television when I got in there…" He said, chuckling. "It looks like your suspicions were right- Ellen forgot to cover her tracks."

"Oh god, was she watching those channels again? I keep forgetting to cancel them." Sonia replied, smiling. "Oh well, at least she's good to the girls."

Bruce smiled back. "What's a little soft porn on a Friday night?"

"Bruce!" Sonia laughed, and the twins watched as Bruce pulled their mother into a sweeping hug. "…You want to stay over for the night?"

"I can't, honey," Bruce said, frowning. "I've got early business in the city tomorrow."

Sonia nodded. "So this is goodnight…"

"It was a _very _good night." Bruce told her, stroking her face. Sara scooted closer to her sister and held her hand. Bruce kissed Sonia, dipping her slightly, and they heard Sonia gasp delightedly.

"Goodnight." Sonia said when they pulled apart.

"Goodnight."

Sara and Tegan looked at each other. "Hurry." Tegan whispered.

They quickly ran to their bedroom and did their best to click the door shut. Sara climbed into her bed, giggling, and pulled the covers over her head. "So this is goodnight!" Sara said with giddiness laced in her voice.

Tegan laughed and sat next to Sara on the bed, pulling the covers down. "It was a _very _good night." She said. They both giggled and Sara pulled the blanket back up over her head. Tegan rolled her eyes with a smile, tugging it down again. "Sara. Sara?"

Sara poked her head out. "Huh?"

Tegan leaned down and very gently and very sloppily kissed Sara on the lips. "Goodnight."

Sara's eyed widened a little and her face flushed. "Goodnight, Teetee." Sara hid under her blanket again and touched her lips, smiling.

* * *

"Please, Mrs. Quin, take a seat." Mrs. Turner, the twins' teacher, said, sitting at her desk. Sonia winced a bit at being called 'Mrs. _Quin_' since the divorce had been final for months now, but she didn't say anything. She was tired of explaining herself and her situation to near strangers. "I suppose you may be wondering why I've asked you to come in today." Mrs. Turner said.

"I'm hoping it's nothing too bad." Sonia said, lacing her fingers.

Mrs. Turner smiled. "You have two very bright, special children." She assured.

Sonia sighed in relief. "Thank you. But I take it that's not all you have to say?"

"Tegan and Sara are progressing very well for their age, academically. It's the social aspect that I am a bit worried about. Have you noticed that they tend to be a tad… clingy?"

"Yes, they're very close, always have been." Sonia said. "Is that a problem?"

"I think it's wonderful that they work so well together and get along." Mrs. Turner said. "But they aren't interacting with the other children. And you know that children can be cruel."

"Are they picking on anyone?" Simone asked. "Is it Tegan?" Secretly expecting the worse from her bolder child.

"No, nothing like that. It's the other children. They don't quite understand the twins' _special_ relationship."

"Special? I'm not sure I know you mean." Sonia thought back to all the times she'd caught Tegan and Sara sitting together in the dark, to one time she caught them sharing a kiss just before bed. Her stomach turned.

"They hold hands, for example," Mrs. Turner said. "Very normal, very darling, really. But the other girls in the class…"

"Oh," Sonia said, blinking. "I wasn't aware they were drawing attention to themselves."

"Please, it's hardly a disruption in class." Mrs. Turner said. "I am more concerned about your girls' feelings and well being. I'm not trying to be nosey but-"

"I'm glad you called me in." Sonia sighed lightly. "Without getting too much into it, I want to say that, well, it has been something of an issue at home."

"Oh?"

Sonia frowned. "The divorce was hard on them, I never wanted to discourage their behaviour."

"Nor do I." The teacher paused, leaving an uncomfortable silence.

"I'll talk with them." Sonia said, trying to calm the swirling in her stomach. "Maybe they can… um… express themselves at home only."

Mrs. Turner nodded. "I don't want them to be the target of anything."

"What else do they do besides the hand holding?" Sonia asked.

"Well," Mrs. Turner murmured, looking down. "I guess it's more the way they look at each other… the way they only seem to _exist _for one another. The hand holding is really the only physical thing."

Sonia didn't know if she felt relieved or more worried after that. "I will talk to them." she repeated.

"Alright. I think we're done here, unless you have any other questions about how they're doing?"

"No." Sonia said, shaking her head and standing. "I will call if anything comes up."

They said their goodbyes and Sonia left, almost feeling numb.

* * *

Sonia was downright afraid to leave the girls that night.

It was May, and so warmer later. For any parent this was a dreaded occasion; it meant their children were unaware of time, and thought that because it was still light, they could not and _would not_ sleep.

And to top it off, this was the first night that Sonia had gone out of her way to see Bruce. Ellen arrived, Sonia left, and the nightly routine carried out as normal. The woman had such a fun time that night, and the worries about her children soon fell from the back of her mind.

The twins had been playing innocently in their room when they heard the front door shut. It was almost midnight, and Ellen was completely unaware that the girls were wide awake. The door opened and shut again, the baby sitter having left. Sara grinned and raced to the top of the stairs, Tegan following in excitement. It had become a little ritual of theirs to re-enact Sonia and Bruce's talks. Sometimes he would leave, and other times he would stay the whole night, the girls giggling to themselves at the obscene, stifled moans coming from the their mother's bedroom downstairs.

That night, they watched as Sonia and Bruce shared a kiss, but not the sort Tegan and Sara normally saw. It wasn't a goodnight kiss, that was for sure. It was longer. The twins watched very closely.

"Sonia," Bruce said, his voice very serious. "I…" Sonia kissed him again, her hands in his hair, on his arms, everywhere.

"Are they fighting?" Sara asked. Tegan shook her head and hushed Sara.

"I'm fucking in love with you." Bruce breathed out.

"Oh, Bruce." Sonia said back. They hugged hard and Bruce began kissing her neck, his hands holding her tightly around the waist.

"Let's go to bed…" Bruce murmured.

Sonia giggled, her face flushing.

"See, they're not fighting, she's smiling." Tegan whispered.

"I have to check on the girls." Sonia said, a bit breathlessly. Bruce's mouth attached to her neck again, sucking powerfully. Sonia nearly fell to the floor, but Bruce held her up.

"They'll be fine," He said, between wet kisses. "Come to bed, Sonia."

"Bruce…"

"Please, Sonia." He caressed her arms, letting her melt in his grip.

"Okay, take me to bed."

They kissed once more and disappeared out of sight, hand in hand. Sara and Tegan looked at each other a bit uneasily. "What are they going to do?" Sara asked.

"I think they're going to bed." Tegan said bluntly.

"They didn't seem tired." Sara stood. "Maybe we should go to bed."

Tegan nodded. They got up and walked into their room, Sara turning expectantly to Tegan.

"Goodnight…" Sara said, smiling sweetly.

Tegan shook her head. "I'm fuckin' in love with you." She said, causing Sara put a hand to her mouth. "Sara…"

"Teetee…" Sara murmured through her fingers. Tegan rolled her eyes and grabbed Sara's hand, leaning forward and kissing Sara chastely on the lips. "That isn't how they kiss."

Tegan ignored her. "What does 'in love' mean?"

Sara tipped her head and frowned. "I don't know. You said a _bad _word, though."

"I know." Tegan stared at Sara. "Am I in love with you?"

"Sounds nicer." Sara smiled hesitantly. "Are you? What's it mean?"

Tegan shrugged. "Maybe it's like when Mum says we're _in_ trouble… It's really serious."

"Probably."

"I'm really serious," Tegan said. "I love you, like… serious."

"Me too." Sara said quietly. Something bubbled in her stomach. "I'm… fuckin'… _in_ love with you, Tegan."

Tegan smiled and gave her sister another peck, before moving smoothly to her own bed.

That night each twin drifted off to sleep peacefully, unaware of the time bomb they had inevitably just activated. 


	3. Chapter 3: True Colours

**Gahh I love you people- if you're reading this I really do think you're fantastic. You're keeping me writing!**

**I'd love to know what you think? If you read this leave me a review- It'll make my day (L)**

**So much love, Sam **

* * *

"This sucks." Tegan said.

"Tegan," Sonia warned. She sighed. "Sasa, you can decorate the new room anyway you like."

The girls were now ten years old, and as they grew, so did their affection. It stayed with them.

Since that talk with the girls' teacher, Sonia had been uncomfortable knowing that the twins' bond was noticeable- on a questionable level. One night she had decided enough was enough, and the next morning instructed Bruce to empty the spare room- and was making Sara move.

"I'll _never_ decorate." Sara managed, crying a little. Her and Tegan were holding hands again. Sonia hadn't even noticed when they started.

Sonia shook her head and stood up. "I'll let you two calm down. Just… try thinking of this as a positive thing, because it is. Everyone needs their space." she started to walk out of the room.

"I want Tegan's space." Sara mumbled.

"You'll get it- don't worry." Tegan said quietly.

"No!" Sonia said loudly, walking back. "This has to stop. You're going to have your own rooms and that's final. Boxes in the garage. You two should fill one of the boxes with clothes and things you don't want anymore, alright?"

"Should we put our shit in separate boxes, too?" Tegan asked. "Should we ride separate buses to school? Should we sit at separate tables at dinner?"

Sonia had had enough. "Tegan Quin, go to your room and start packing Sara's things. RIGHT NOW." Tegan stomped her foot, showing her age, and then tugged Sara with her to the stairs. "Sara, stay here." Sonia said sternly. Sara looked from Tegan to her mother, her face twisting in confusion.

"You can go wherever you want." Tegan said. She squeezed Sara's hand hard.

"_Sara_," Sonia said in warning. She felt out of control and she didn't like it.

To her great surprise, Sara shook her head, disobeying her and running up the stairs with Tegan. Sonia sat back down and put her head in her hands.

When had she lost so much control?

She sighed heavily. Maybe she'd never had control in the first place.

* * *

Unbeknown to Sonia, Tegan and Sara had subconsciously developed a habit. Without having confirmed it, that night Tegan had snuck into Sara's room and into her bed, kissed her neck delicately and slept alongside her sister- knowing she couldn't be left alone.

Sara simply accepted this, thrilled beyond words that Tegan cared enough to lie with her, and be there even when their mother didn't want her to be. The next night was the same, and the night after that Sara went into Tegan's room, which had become considerably cluttered since she'd moved out.

Most nights for months went like this, one twin sneaking in in the dead of night, and curing up to the other, sleeping twin.

One night, Sara snuck in, still hearing their mother moving around downstairs.

"I know you're awake." She said to the darkness.

"How?" It replied, Tegan shuffling and resting on her elbow.

"You can't sleep when mum's up late. I can't either." Sara walked to the edge of the bed, her knees brushing the covers. On feeling her sister come closer, Tegan's heart pounded- and in a way she wasn't sure of. "I don't know if I should stay tonight. She might catch us… and then she'd be mad." the younger twin said in her small, melancholy tone.

"Just stay," Tegan whispered, reaching into the dark and latching on to Sara, pulling her to lie down. "It's okay, I've got you."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

Sara smiled and gave in, lying in the curve of Tegan's body. She closed her eyes and held her sister's hand, stroking Tegan's thumb for comfort. "I'm scared." She murmured. Sara was terrified of what might happen if their mother caught them. She was terrified of being separated even more from Tegan.

Tegan planted multiple kisses on the back of Sara's neck, sensing the tense muscles there. "It's okay," Tegan said in Sara's ear. "Just don't tell Mum."

* * *

The girls kept their secret.

For _five _more years their nightly trips continued, although becoming a little less frequent. And at fifteen- they were discovering many new thing about themselves.

It was a Sunday evening. They were bundled into the back of their Aero Star Van, driving slowly up to the high street.

"Mum, we're serious about this." Tegan said, leaning forward and tucking her thick hair behind her ear.

"Mmm." Their mother replied sceptically.

"Seriously, Mum." Sara joined in, meeting her mother's gaze in the rear-view mirror. "This is gonna be our career. We're certain about it."

"Are you sure you don't want to go to _college_?" Their mother tried to persuade as she pulled into the car park. In the rear view mirror, Sonia saw their hands, loosely tangled with each other. It made her gulp and shudder, but she did her best to ignore it.

"Mum, don't worry. This is gonna work for us." Tegan said as the engine stopped, her mother turning round simply to sigh. The girls flashed two identical smiles and they opened the car doors, and looked for the nearest Cash Converter.

Around an hour had passed since the girls had gotten out of the car, and here they were, leaving the vehicle again, but this time carefully dragging with them a huge, black PA system. If you could _call_ it a PA system that was; to their mother it just looked like an overgrown car speaker. The girls steadied it through the house and up the stairs, one by one.

"What's _this_?" Bruce said, coming out of the living room with a bemused smile across his face.

"A PA system, Bruce." Tegan said through the weight of the box. They were silent the rest of the way up, and decided quickly that there was more floor space in Sara's room than Tegan's (on account of mind-blowing untidiness). They dumped it on the floor with an almighty thud, becoming a little giddy when Tegan went to fetch the lead and electric guitar.

"Sara! Tegan! You're helping me with dinner tonight!" Their mother hollered up the stairs.

Tegan re-entered the room and rolled her eyes, each twin sighing irritably as the guitar was leant against the system, and two sets of feet went thundering downstairs.

* * *

The next day in school, the twins stood with the few friends they had, discussing nothing in particular and gradually moving towards their next lesson. They were hand-in-hand as usual, talking to a close friend of theirs named Robyn. They had told her all about the PA system, and how they planned to spend almost all of their free time writing songs and singing aimlessly into their microphones.

"Do you think it'll work then?" Robyn asked. "This affair you've got going with the music industry… do you think your saudid love will last?" She laughed.

The twins laughed back, Tegan replying. "We hope so- we've got good feelings. And by the way it's _so_ creepy when you describe it like that…"

Sara laughed along, thinking a little deeply into what Robyn had just said.

_Do you think your saudid love will last?_

It played on her mind for a little while, before being clicked back into reality by Tegan. Her eyes were wide. "Sorry guys…" Sara blundered. "Just thinking."

"About what?" Robyn asked innocently.

Sara pondered again for a moment, trying to think back to where her mind had just been. "…I don't know." she said with 100% sincerity. The girls arrived at their next lesson, Sara feeling confused for the rest of the day- and she genuinely didn't know why.

The rest of that day had gone a little more hushed than usual. When the bell rang to mark the end of the day, Tegan had tried to ask Sara what was wrong, and why she'd gone so strange. Sara simply remarked that she didn't know exactly, and the bus ride home was a silent one. The girls had obediently done their homework and were halfway through dinner when Sara finally spoke again.

"Tegan, are we practising some more after we've finished?" She'd said, looking across the dining table at her sister.

"Now ladies, no business at the table." Bruce laughed.

Tegan gave him a polite smile, thinking it acceptable to announce her answer to everyone- that way, they were merely making conversation.

"Definitely," Tegan said, a little relieved Sara was talking again. "And I've heard some gossip you might find interesting."

"Girls…" Their mother warned.

"Is it about someone we know?" Sara asked, ignoring her mother.

"Well that's only the best kind of gossip!" Tegan declared as her and her sister broke into matching laughter.

"_Ladies!_" Their mother shouted. Silencing the pair. "No _gossip_ at the dinner table!"

The rest of the meal was spent in almost silence from the twins, a cheeky grin or crackle or a laughter erupting every now and then. They had finished eating and been excused, trudged up the stairs in their huge, baggy blue trousers and shut themselves in Sara's room- almost immediately opening the windows wide.

"So this gossip," Tegan started as she plugged in guitars and microphones. "I'll go from the beginning."

Sara stood awkwardly, watching as Tegan went about her business, not stopping. "Tee," The younger girl said, making Tegan slow. It wasn't so much the bluntness of how her name had been said, but the air of worry, soaked into Sara's voice that'd made Tegan stop and look. "Can I say something first?"

The expression on Tegan's face was that of confusion and concern as she stepped closer to Sara. "What's wrong, sis?"

Sara looked around, dropping herself down onto the side of her bed. She looked about the room, _tears _almost in her eyes as she beaconed Tegan to sit next to her. Tegan was worried- downright bothered by how quickly her twin's emotions had changed. and as she waited for Sara to talk, Tegan sat and moved much closer to her- simply holding Sara; and hoping her now trembling sister would be able to tell her what she needed to, even if Tegan wasn't sure she wanted to know anymore.

"Sara," Tegan said, close to the girl's ear. "What's happened?" The older girl moved back and looked her sister square in the eye, a cloud of doubt over them.

"Don't hate me?" Sara managed to squeak out. Tegan said nothing to her, but gave her a sure, steady, 'you-know-there's-nothing-you-can-do-to-make-me-hate-you' kind of look. With a deep breath and the closing of her eyelids, Sara spoke.

"I'm gay." She breathed.

Tegan's eyes went wide, if only for a second as her twin's remained shut. Her face went back to what it was, squinting lovingly in the Calgary sunrays, bursting through the open window. Sara lifted her eyelids slowly, as if she was expecting to be slapped. Instead she saw that same face, looking far into her own eyes.

"Tegan?" She asked. The elder did nothing, but flicked her vision slowly from each of Sara's eyes. "It's ok for you hate me…" She informed her sister with a sad face.

"What? No, no, no of course not!" Tegan calmed, bringing her twin into another embrace. Tegan whispered softly to Sara's trembling body. "If you've always been like this and I'm only just finding out, there's nothing I could do to change you. Nothing I'd _want _to do… this is who you are Sara- perfect little you."

The girls leaned out of their hug and Sara had a relieved smile on her face. She wiped her teary eyes quickly. "I don't know what I was getting so worried about."

"I'll always love you, Sara." Tegan reassured with a smile.

"And I'll always love you." Her twin responded.

"Now, should we put that PA to the test?" The older girl shouted happily, both jumping into action.

* * *

Night had fallen. Long awaited night where Tegan could finally slow the world down and be alone with her thoughts.

_She was gay. Sara was gay. Fucking GAY._

Tegan couldn't quite get over it. The fact that her sister's sexuality had been staring her in the face for the best part of fifteen years now. The only thing that was bothering this twin as she sat up, putting the ends of her hair in loose plaits to occupy her hands, was her own secret- the one she was dying to tell.

She couldn't pin point when these emotions had started. But she knew that if she kept them to herself, made sure her feelings were locked inside- Sara would never know. And as much as she told herself this, that it was better for Sara to stay oblivious to the thoughts in her sister's head, there was a small part of Tegan that _wanted_ Sara to know. She wanted it out in the open, this secret of hers. And it was driving her crazy.

As Tegan became frustrated, she threw her lock of hair away from her, pushing the palms of her hands into her eyes. She did her best to control the hushed whimpers she was letting out, and pulled her head back, eyes throbbing as she retrieved a notebook from under her pillow. This notebook was everything. At least 500 pages wrapped between each cover; It had scraps of lyrics in, little diary entries, tickets and coupons from memories of hers- and it wasn't even half full yet.

She tore open the pages and glanced at every picture there was. No matter who else in the picture, her and her twin were in _every_ one. Always next to each other, always touching, and always smiling.

This got Tegan even more riled up and she threw the book to the end of the bed with a tiny scream. She couldn't work out what was getting to her _exactly_, her and Sara had always been like this… nothing was different, but her head was slowly getting messed up. Tegan's small whimpers from moments ago had now become frustrated little yelps as angry tears trickled slowly.

A rustled, clunking sound came from the direction of the door. Tegan's heart froze as she watched, seeing her own silhouette enter the room.

"Tegan?" Sara whispered uneasily. "Is uhm… everything ok?" In the curtain of darkness, Tegan smacked away her tears and she felt Sara's footsteps approaching her bed. Their nightly sleepover was beginning. The younger twin flicked the bedside lamp on, only to see Tegan sat up, eyes puffy and red. "Tee!" Sara exclaimed under her breath. "My god what's wrong?" She sat down on the bed, close enough to stroke down Tegan's arm.

Tegan flinched at this action, and Sara stopped. "Were you crying? I could hear noises through the wall."

Tegan looked down and angled her face away from Sara, hiding the secret shame of her weakness. "Look it's nothing, just leave me alone." Tegan snapped, although she'd tried not to.

"Tee I just wanna help…"

"Fuck off back to your own room!" Tegan spoke into the quiet night atmosphere. Her tone hit Sara with force, and this brought on a wave of emotions.

"Christ… it's me isn't it?" Tegan didn't looked up, but listened intently to what Sara was saying. "I'm the reason you're crying." Sara shifted closer as Tegan's head moved in the direction of her twin. Sara was getting a little upset now, lip quivering as she tried to gulp down the lump in her throat. "It's the gay thing isn't it…?" She whispered, trembling so much that she _needed_ Tegan to answer.

"Tegan," She whispered, going to stroke the other girl's face. Just as the tips of Sara's fingers reached that smooth skin, Tegan shot forward, her hand grabbing the back of Sara's messy hair, smashing their lips together.

Sara couldn't do anything. Her heart was beating so fast that the entire moment was a blur. In the closeness she could see that Tegan's eyes were closed, and gradually, and voluntarily, Sara loosened into the kiss, moving her lips smoothly against Tegan's.

It became more heated, mouths opened as Tegan felt her heart pound in her chest, and in other places it shouldn't have done. Tegan's free hand reached up and lay flat on the chest under Sara's neck.

Sara wanted to stop now. It had only just sunk in as to what was happening. She could feel Tegan's hand edging further down, and before she had time to come into contact with Sara's breast, the younger pulled away from everything, grabbing Tegan's wrist.

The girls were stunned to the spot. Both sets of eyes locked with one another- each twin almost panting. After a drawn out silence, Sara began.

"Tegan… why did you do-"

"I'm sorry," Tegan cut her off. "So sorry. But…you talking about how you're gay before- it just reminded me of the fact that, well, I am too."

Sara's eyes widened. They were _both_ gay. Something flipped in Sara's stomach. "Still… you don't kiss your sister. That ju-"

"But you kissed back." Tegan stated bluntly. She seemed to be on an interrupting spree, and as she looked at Sara, Tegan's expression seemed vaguely simple. Somewhat like a small child who'd just misbehaved, but believed they were doing the right thing- and now she was being told off for her 'good deed'.

Sara thought for a little while. Why _had _she kissed back? Why didn't she just rip away from Tegan in horror and scutter back to her room? Sara was a whirlwind of emotions right now, and stood, watching Tegan warily. "We'll discuss this tomorrow." Sara declared, flicking out the light and padding back to her room- left with a sea of confusion raging in her brain.

Neither could cope with a sleepover that night.


	4. Chapter 4: You And I

**God I love you people. **

**I didn't think people would really like my story… but you DO! =D**

**This chapter takes a bit of a twist… I hope it was the right thing to do… GAWD.**

**I thought I'd try and write about something that I hadn't seen written about before, and so I got kinda excited when I thought of this. Now I'm doubting myself but **_**hey**_**- it's a fresh twist! (I'm also planning to try a new take on a one-shot… so be ready for that.)**

**So AGAIN- please tell me what you thought… lovin' you ^-^**

* * *

Three girls were sat the lunch table. One with blonde hair took small bites out of a tuna sandwich, while the other two glanced awkwardly at each other, as if it were a deadly sin to be caught looking at your sibling.

"How did practice go?" Robyn asked around mouthfuls of lunch.

Tegan was snapped out of the trance she'd had on Sara's hand, having instant flashback of the previous night's practice. "It went fine." She said after a little while. "We tried out a song called…jeez what was it called, Sara?" Tegan asked, acting as naturally as she could.

Sara thought for a little bit. "Painting Songs," She answered quietly. "It needs a lot of work."

"What a trippy name." Robyn laughed. The twins smiled it off uncomfortably, Robyn noticing their stunted emotion- but choosing not to dwell on it. "Speaking of tripping out…I hear Jimmy has some more acid if you wanna give it a go this time?" She said, standing from her chair.

Caught in her own little world, Sara came back down to Earth with a thud. "What? Oh, yeah… we might give it a go." Robyn was about to walk away, when she looked back to the twins.

"Guys, what's the matter? Did you have a row or something? You've been off with each other all day." Listening intently, Tegan gulped her worry back down, watching Sara's eyes burning into hers.

"No… we didn't fall out." Tegan said. "Just Mrs Bright-idea came into my room this morning with… some new song lyrics. Kept me up for hours creating melodies."

Sara sighed in relief when Tegan's story took the path of a lie. "Yeah well, you've got to suffer for your art." The younger laughed, looking over her shoulder at Robyn.

"Oh," The blonde girl said, deep down still not believing their tale. "Well, I've godda go to the library. Book report for tomorrow that I haven't even started." Robyn left with a smile, leaving the most uncomfortable air in her wake. Tegan stood up fast, hutching her bag onto her shoulder.

"I'd better go too… I have that book report." She mumbled, taking the same path Robyn had and leaving Sara alone. Sara knew that was a lie as well. It was a history report, and Sara and Robyn were in the same class- Tegan wasn't. She'd just wanted to get away from her twin.

Sara banged her fist on the desk and looked around. She'd never felt so pissed off at Tegan, and she didn't quite know why.

* * *

The girls had gotten home in total silence for the second day running. Tegan had watched television with a permanent look of frustration on her face, while Sara stayed in her room, playing the guitar slowly, and writing boring lyrics that eventually, would get scrunched into a ball and launched at the waste paper bin.

Dinner had come and gone, Sonia and Bruce noticing the awkward silence cutting through the twins. They chose not to question it, though deep down, Sonia was petrified.

_Something_ must've gone on; for as long as she could remember the girls had been as close as it was humanly possible for twins to be; and she knew, she just _knew_ something was wrong. Sonia tried to take her mind off it as she went in the living room, sitting with her eldest daughter and taking the remote.

She heard Sara's feet plod back upstairs, and watched as Tegan shifted and sighed.

Sonia swallowed and tried not to think about it.

* * *

Tegan tried the door.

The handle clicked and she stepped into the darkness. It was two in the morning, and _very_ late to be going to sleep in Sara's room. But if Tegan knew her twin- then she'd be kept awake by the thoughts going around both their heads.

She shuffled though the blackness and as her knees knocked against the bed frame, ordering her to stop, she heard Sara sigh. Tegan swallowed and wondered what she was going to do, before she lost her way.

"I'm sorry," She blurted out.

Sara moved and rolled over, watching Tegan's shape through the dark.

"What?" She croaked over exhaustion.

"For… y'know, kissing you. It was stupid. I shouldn't have done it and I don't know why I did." Tegan lied. "We've always been really close though- I just thought it'd be the right thing to do…"

She swung her body round awkwardly and started to walk away, but Sara was having none of it. Her hand grabbed at the darkness, latching onto Tegan's wrist and before the elder knew it, she had been pulled down on the covers. She sat with a bump and blinked at Sara, who she could only just see clearly. Sara had shuffled her way into a sitting position, throwing the cover back and holding the silence between the pair.

"Do you mean that?" Sara watched. Tegan was confused, and she could barely read the expression on her sister's face. It was constantly changing.

"Um... of course." Tegan said fast. Sara squinted. Now she just looked plain angry. Tegan gulped.

"Liar." Sara growled.

Tegan's jaw dropped. "I'm not lying! I'm telling you this because I know it was wrong!"

"Do you know it was wrong... or know it was _meant_ to be wrong?" Sara's tone and face had changed- they were both, once again, unreadable. Tegan's throat went dry. She had no idea what Sara was getting at.

"Sara," She began nervously. "Are you... shunning me out or something?"

Sara's head fell to the side and she closed her eyes, taking in a deep, frustrated breath. "No." Tegan sighed. Thank god. But, if Sara wasn't falling out with her, what _was_ she doing? "Why was kissing me…" Sara drifted off a little. "Why was it stupid?" Sara said. Tegan tried to answer, but found herself being cut off. "Do you remember when we were like six… and we told each other we were in love?"

Tegan croaked back her reply. "Yeah, so? We were six… it didn't really count."

"Didn't it? How're you sure?" Tegan opened her mouth to answer, but it seemed Sara had been thinking about this a little more. "What if we _are_ in love? What if _this_ is true love but we're blinded by the whole 'twin' thing to see it?"

Again Tegan blabbered a little, but found she literally couldn't speak, as Sara moved slowly through the darkness. Her hand brushed against Tegan's face as she connected their lips, each girl getting lost within the other. They daren't open their mouths, but Sara smiled a little as she felt the heat radiating of Tegan's cheeks. Suddenly the older girl pulled away, leaving Sara feeling shocked.

"This isn't love!" Tegan said around the taste of her sister. It sounded almost like a sob, but Sara couldn't see her face clearly enough to know if she was crying. "This is sick. Wrong. Not _love_." She repeated.

"But…but…" Sara tried.

"No buts!"

Sara's eyes welled up. "You kissed me first!" She said, wearing Tegan's rationality thin. "Don't you…want to?" Sara said as she felt the lump grow in her throat.

Tegan sighed and looked around, gulping as she realised she'd _have_ to say something. The silence was unbearable.

"…Of course I do." She said, hearing Sara breathe through a growing smile. "And… you kissed back. Oh god Sara- if we go through with this it's really gonna fuck with our lives!" Tegan was definitely crying now, only slightly as tears ran through the curves of her face.

She leant into a hug with her sister, so confused. "What's going on?" She whispered, tilting back and looking to matching teary eyes.

"We've always been close," Sara tried to justify. "Maybe this was meant to happen."

Their foreheads connected, each girl sobbing to the other. "But Sara, other kids are close- _they_ don't fall in love."

"Maybe we're different," Sara whispered, resting a hand on Tegan's shoulder. "Maybe we're special." She moved upward, kissing Tegan's soaked lips.

"I don't want to be special." Tegan said like a child, the words ripping through her throat. "Maybe I want to forget about all these feelings."

"No! No, no, no," Sara whispered over and over, gulping down. They silently fought; screaming at each other the only way they knew how. "What if _I _don't want to forget?"

"What?"

"This is so natural." Sara breathed. "Doesn't this feel right? Deep, deep down?" Tegan said, nothing, but after a little while nodded her head, which was still connected to Sara's. Their hands lay at the base of the other's neck, keeping them steady in the whirlwind.

Tegan kissed Sara's lips messily. "That felt right," She said, doing it again. "And that."

"So… why is it wrong?" Sara sobbed, looking into Tegan's eyes for the first time in a while.

"Because the rest of the word says so! And no matter how hard try we can't convince them!" Tegan shouted into the night, pulling away from her baby sister.

"Maybe… maybe we should sleep on this. Try and work this out… another time?" Sara edged around the words, unsure of what she was saying until she'd stopped saying it.

Tegan rubbed her forehead, nodding. "I'll go to my room," Tegan announced, beginning to rise.

Once again Sara caught her wrist and pulled her sister back down. "You sleep here tonight. Love doesn't change just because the people grow up." Sara said, swallowing the lump in her throat.

Tegan couldn't talk. She was too busy focusing on Sara's eyes to do anything.

They lay down, tucking their bodies into each other's. The covers were pulled up and their stuttering, upset breaths died down. The twins found it easy to fall asleep when they were near each other. No matter what had been going on. They fell into a nap, both tormented with the thoughts of the other. Was it meant to be like this?

* * *

Sara awoke with a start. She had been resting in the curve of Tegan's body and in the dark as her eyes adjusted, found their faces to be incredibly close. She'd turned around in her sleep. She gasped at Tegan's slumbering closeness.

She'd had an idea. A _great_ idea. Or at least, so she thought as she brought her hand up, shaking Tegan awake lightly.

"Teetee…" She whispered, hot air hitting her sister's face.

"WHHUT?" Tegan moaned loudly.

Sara moved closer to Tegan's face, letting their noses brush and breath pass between their mouths. "You said this could fuck us up. What if it doesn't have to?" The younger whispered at once.

Tegan woke dramatically at that, eyes bold as they watched Sara's serious face. "What?" She said quietly. Tegan was still drowsy, and was simply accepting their current intimacy. "What do you mean?"

Sara said nothing, but edged forward into a delicate, but instantly passionate kiss. Their lips danced madly around the taste of sleep. Tegan couldn't argue, but she couldn't carry on. Her head and heart were waging a war, and before either could win she was distracted by a sudden movement. She let out a gasp as the whole moment froze. Sara's ice cold fingertips had found themselves at the top of Tegan's pyjama pants.

They moved down slowly, the twins burning into each other with wide eyes. Before Sara came into contact with something so private, Tegan grabbed her wrist.

"Sara. _What do you mean?_"Tegan shuddered. Her voice was deadly seriously.

"I… thought of a plan," Sara said. "Kind of- dreamt it up. This could work…"

Sara removed her hand from its resting place and looked around quietly. The girls were drenched in silence, bodies still pressed together and Tegan waited for her sister to talk. Sara realised she had to speak, and cleared her throat.

"We could… I dunno, make a plan or something." Sara felt a little stupid saying it, and watching Tegan's face scrunch in confusion didn't help. The younger sighed, sitting up. Tegan leant over onto her elbow. "Picture this: we get together once in a blue moon. Just one time for us to _physically_ express this… whatever it is."

Tegan understood and looked away, shooting her gaze back. She felt so much calmer now. It was as though the sleep had cleared her mind. Tegan could see the relationship with her sister for what it really was. The bare bones of _love _that were passed between them every single day. And she adored it. "Why though?"

This stunned Sara, and the silence they had been in before came crawling back. She gulped. "…Because, Tegan, putting side the physical? Look at the emotion. This _connection_. I don't think anyone else in the world can feel this special kind of love, whether they 'accept' it or not. I mean… we love each other, don't we?"

Tegan sat up properly, shoulders dropping instantly as she gave Sara a nod. "Like sisters- or what?" The elder watched her sister's face, watched as she tried her best to answer.

"Or what," Sara said with a quiet laugh. "I guess that pretty much sums up what we're doing right now." Tegan smiled, a little bashfully. "But seriously," Sara continued. "This is love, right? Real love. We saw mum and dad fall apart, and for all we know the same thing could happen to mum and Bruce;" Tegan watched through thin eyes, now taking everything in. "But at the end of the day, Tegan- we're family. Nothing can destroy this bond we have…"

Tegan took a deep breath. She knew exactly what Sara was saying. She looked into her sister's eyes, and got back on topic. "So a plan, eh? Us getting together… sounds ok."

Sara smiled. "We should make it a set thing. A routine."

Tegan nodded, listening intently. "So, like… how often?"

"Once a year." Sara said automatically.

Tegan thought for a little. "Too frequent. We want it to be special… anticipated."

"Two years?"

"Mmm… I dunno."

Sara got a little confused. She was started to wonder if Tegan _wanted_ to go through with this plan. "Three years?" Tegan was silent, thought the looking her eyes was a resounding no. "Tegan," Sara began, acting on impulse. "Do you even want to do this? Really?"

Without a word Tegan pulled her twin in close. "Sasa... of course," She said into Sara's neck as they hugged. "It's come over me kinda fast though. I just… I want it to be _really_ special, y'know?"

Sara pulled out and watched here sister's eyes for a long time in the dark. They made her smile, so much so she needed to say _something_ before her face ripped in two. "Three and _half_ years?" She didn't want to push it too much, and seeing Tegan look up with a spark in her eye and a tiny smile let Sara know she had it.

"Perfect." Tegan whispered, pulling her sister in and kissing her lightly. As their lips brushed, Tegan had a sudden thought. "If we're waiting for three _and a half years_, when will our, uhm… 'first time' be?"

Sara thought, looked down and back up to her twin's gaze awkwardly. "Err…2000."

"2000? ! ?"


	5. A message, and an apology!

Ok beautiful people, this is just a notice, because you don't know how bad I feel about not having updated this in… *looks at calendar* MORE THAN FIVE MONTHS D: ok no I feel even worse.

So here's the deal: back in June my life was getting pretty hectic. I had some exams going on, my friends at the time (who are no longer my friends, and still give me hell somewhat regularly) were _really_ on my back at the time, I had a couple of family things, and other aspects were all piling up.

I posted on the LJ community about a one month hiatus, which sooned turned into a two month, then three month, four… and now here we are today.

The reason for this sounds pathetic, but it's truly awful (for me XD), and is currently trying to be sorted out.

So early-to-mid August, my laptop crashed. The laptop had NO backups of anything that was newer than six months old. That, unfortunately, meant three unpublished chapter of The Routine, a complete chapter-plan, notes and ideas… and a couple of drawings too.

My uncle managed to retrieve my harddrive from the broken-down-piece-o'-shizzle, and told me to take it into a computer store to have them hook it up to something and retrieve all my files for me. (that'll be a laugh. getting someone to go through files of strange quincest thing for my benefit XD) I went into the store in question, and they said they probably wouldn't be able to sort anything until closer to christmas, because it's getting hectic at the moment (wouldn't it get MORE hectic closer to the time? :S). Either way, that's my situation.

I'm really like, so so so sorry that I haven't updated in this long, I hope you can forgive me.

Oh, and a complete after thought- is it even WORTH updating this anymore? After _all this time _do people still want to read on, or have you forgotten it and you're all bored. I don't mind either way, just let me know if, when I finally get my data, it'll be worth me putting up chapters.

thanks for reading, much much love,

Sam


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